I'm going dark. Kind of.

I keep reading articles that reinforce what I notice constantly - we are always on our f**cking phones! Always! I'm on my phone when I'm reading these articles.

I saw a group of high school girls awhile back at Starbucks, ALL of them were sitting at a table, heads down buried in their phones.  I watched them for maybe 10 minutes.  Occasionally one of them would look up, say something of little value to another one, and then they would dive back into their phones.  I was so sad.  It reminded me of a viral picture I saw on FB once.  After watching them for a bit,  I took to FB and updated about it - obviously.  Then 5 minutes later, I took a quick peek just to see if anyone commented.

In the off season when I am home with the kids, I love it! Mostly.  I didn't come hardwired for stay at home mom life, and I envy the moms that seem so at home in this gig.  I miss adult conversations.  I miss being able to sit still in my own thoughts.  I miss peeing in privacy.  Articles and FB are my two greatest guilty pleasures.  I get bored, I miss talking to people so I read a blog or check out my newsfeed.   By late winter of last year, my toddler was a good enough communicator at 2, that he was able to verbalize his irritation of my cell phone habit.

"Mommy! No phone. Put it down please."

When that didn't work, "hold on baby, mama's working...", he would just come over to me and swat it right out of my hands.  Then he laughed.

There's not one other object that he swats out of my hands, just my phone.

My smart phone is a beautiful little slice of heaven.  I can shop, Facebook, Instagram, browse Etsy, Pinterest, Smore,  check my email and I never have to be alone with my own thoughts, my hands are never left empty.  I get to keep in touch with anyone I have ever met, ever - but I tune out my own family and kids to do so.

I had to wait in line for coffee last week, sans phone.  I forgot it at home that morning and so there I was - in a long line - with nothing to do but wait.  And stare.  And wait.  I fidgeted like a crack head, totally uncomfortable with what to do with my hands.  And I didn't get a cell phone until after college, and I didn't have internet on my phone until my late 20's when I got a Blackberry for work.  I remember "before".  Once upon a time, I could just wait comfortably in a line, listen to my thoughts, let my mind wander, talk to a stranger, fucking cope in moments of boredom or transition without a constant need to feed my brain junk.  I use to write, not just read the thoughts of others.  This worries me for the toddler who already knows how to get to YouTube and navigates it like a pro! Let me be more specific, I worry for MY toddler.  My little YouTube junkie. I taught him that.

At camp I find myself daily telling parents not to pack cell phones, that we want the kids to spend the summer playing, getting dirty, making friends, socializing.   Then I notice how great my flowers are growing and so I quickly snap a photo and Instagram that shit.

So I am doing an experiment. I turned off the wi-fi on my phone.  I deleted all my apps. I had too, if I know they are there it's too easy to cheat.  I want to see what happens if this summer I pretend it's 2003 and I that still have my Sidekick.

Now I'm not making some bold, "I'm DONE WITH THE INTERNET" statement.  Let's not be absurd.  I appreciate the convince Facebook offers for staying in touch, I love watching my girlfriends kids grow up and well I work from home and it's my tool - but I want to go back to using the internet as an event.  As in, I have the time to go sit down at my desk top, in the basement, and check in.  I want to see what happens when I spend the rest of my day, tuned in and present.

Captains Log: Kristi goes dark.  Day 1

*Now I won't be able to sit and obsessively read this all day looking for and correcting all my typos - because you can't have it all, all at the same time.  I'm sure somewhere there is a spelling error of great proportions because: 1. I refuse to wear glasses and well glare and 2. Me.  Enjoy them. xoxo