Sunday, December 18, 2016

To Whom it may concern

Dear Makers of Elf on a Shelf,

Seriously! This Elf - he's killing me!

I see adorable photos ALL OVER my Facebook and Instagram feed of this lil guy doing clever things: he's wearing adorable costumes, getting into cute mischief, making childhood magic.  I wish I was THAT mom, I'd love to be that mom -  but let me be honest here,  I am soooo not that mom! However, mom guilt.  Modern-pintrest-social media-make every moment fucking magical- mom guilt...give me a good reason to pull out my credit card and solve his one like the consumer driven woman that I am.

Here's what I need to participate in this "tradition" and go back to sleeping peacefully in December.

I'd like a kit - 12 days.  I'm not even gonna fool myself into believing i'll be starting this the day after Thanksgiving.  I just won't.  In fact I'm a procrastinator with a busy schedule and a full brain so I'd like to be able to get this kit via Amazon Prime and within 48 hours.  Pretty please.  If you could just auto refill this yearly and charge my card, that'd be great too.

Please make sure to include a clean napkin.
Most weeks I still forget to buy toilet paper.
I would like the kit to model that of Blue Apron.  Give me 12 days of photos, accessories and detailed instructions on how to dress and hide that little guy.  Leave nothing to my over taxed imagination.

Bonus points if you can also include wine to fill my modern advent calendar. Because Holidays.


 Kindly Yours,


Adorable! Will you please add in a magic
sponge so that I can put this one on social media.
One of my favorites! Can you please include the flour.
Or maybe a pre-made mix of some sort so that my kids find
this one plausible. 
Kristi

Thursday, December 15, 2016

10 Winter Activities for Toddlers

So, Michigan winter - it sucks! Sure there are a few really nice days when the sun is out and the three feet of snow has not yet turned into a giant, deadly ice bank, but mostly it's sub zero temps with shitty blowing winds and black slushy snow lining the streets.  Not exactly the picture of a Dickens painting.  

I'm a summer girl with sunshine in her veins! I love nothing more than playing outside, hiking, parks, gardening, the water - so long as the temperature remains above 40 degrees I am as happy as the day is long. But currently, I'm held up in our house, with a 3 year old and a 1 year old and it's officially too cold to go outside.  Like seriously, I think it's 4. FOUR! FOUR FUCKING DEGREES.  But with the wind chill it feels like -7.  It's awesome.

Now sure I could take my kids to some local pay-to-play places, with 2 kids that's roughly $16 to walk in the door, plus snacks so that's another $5.  Oh but they have colds - not a big deal, we always seem to leave these places sick anyways so eh.  So let's say we pony up once a week for an additional $80 a month, that still leaves me with 16 days a month, during this awesome season, that I have to occupy them inside.  

So, I have complied a tried and true list of super fun toddler activities for those days (or weeks) when you're just stuck inside. 

1. Make a pretend car out of a box

Put that Amazon Prime habit to good use and turn those old boxes into imaginary vehicles.  Cars, spaceships, trains...the skies the limit.  Well really I'm the limit - I hate to craft and I have ZERO artistic abilities.  My three year old gets really into this but my one year old just wants to rip apart everything he builds, so they fight.  They scream.  They cry. This wonderful exploration into their imagination should give you about 45-90 seconds of pure magic and than it's a shit show of tantrums and fights.  Cheers.

2.  Curl up and watch a Disney classic.

Grab a large glass of wine ahead of time, drink 'er down.  Now prepare to answer all of your 3 year olds questions about why the mommy or daddy just died.  Do this in 5 minute intervals for the next 90 minutes.


3.  Play hide-and-seek

Yeah that's right.  Close those eyes, close em tight.  Now count to 1 million WITH Mississippi's. Enjoy that peaceful moment. Now go find your kids. I hope your house is more child proof than mind.  I found my daughter in her dresser drawer (thanks to her brother).  I panicked at the thought of the dresser tipping over on her and crushing her, I think I read a warning about this on Facebook once. I forgot hide-and-seek was the devils game.  I opened some wine.  We tried again.  My son hid on the couch watching the Disney movie I forgot to turn off, he had more questions about mommies and daddies dying.  I drank the wine I opened.

4. Bake Cupcakes

This one worked out pretty well, I let my son crack the eggs, my daughter helped us stir, I scooped out egg shells and cleaned a dozen eggs off the kitchen floor. All things considered we were doing good until they had synchronizing sneezes right into the batter.  Now you have two choices; bake the sneeze cakes or toss them out.  If you toss them out you get tears.  If you bake them but don't eat a sneeze cake yourself (mooooomy, why won't you try one of my cupcakes?) you also get tears.  Pick your poison. 

5. Play with ALL THE TOYS


That's right - just let those little miracles destroy the house, at least they are occupied.  I let mine bowl with the La Croix.  Then we wait to see which one Daddy opens when he comes home.  This "destroy everything" game works really well until someone steps on a lego.  Usually it's me.  Now I have to spend the next 3 hours reminding my kids that "holy fuck" is a mommy word.  Seriously, stepping on a rogue lego HURTS! 


6. Learning Activities 

There are all kinds of flash cards and workbooks designed for toddlers to help them get into Yale by 14 or something.  I tried this - my daughter ate the flashcards.  All of them.  My three year old just ran in circles around the living room like a Tasmanian devil.  I opened some cheep champagne and raised a glass to community college.  Finally something in our future we can afford! 

7.  Read books

This is one that my kids both love and participate well in.  They LOVE story time!!! It's a wonderful way for us to spend 5 minutes together bonding.  It's the next 11 hours and 55 minutes of my day that make me nuts.  I have to remind them, again, and again, and again, that it's too cold to play outside.  We practice numbers when I do this; "see this is the number 3, that's how warm it is.  The number 38 is mommies cut off...do you know how many numbers come after 3 and before 38..." Here - have some YouTube.  Is 11 hours of Paw Patrol too much? 

8. Paint

Go ahead girl and get your craft on! We finger paint - I have the Instagrams to prove it.  It takes me longer to set up and clean up then their attention spans can handle, always requires a bath afterwards and somehow we got paint on the ceiling but yeah, get that craft on! I love the sounds of them laughing and creating....followed shortly by the sounds of them fighting over the same paint brush.  My daughter loves to do whatever her brother is doing, wants whatever is in his hands, likes to try to sit in his lap.  He responds by painting on her.  She screams.  Everyone cries.  I only attempt this one when I discover a forgotten IPA in the back of my fridge.  That 9% alcohol makes it easier to listen to them scream while I attempt to get paint off of the ceiling.  Here's to a magical childhood! 

9. Go to Target

Pack-up.  Go stroll through Target.  Spend $300.  Wish you'd of just paid the $20 and gone to the kids play place to catch a new round of hand-foot-mouth disease. 

10.  Suck it up and play outside

Nope! Nope! Nope! I put this one on here because it just felt right, but there's not a snowballs chance in hell I'm going outside in single digit weather to play.  It takes me an hour to bundle everyone up.  My daughter just stands there and cries - yeah lady, I get it.  Mommy is crying on the inside too.  My son reminds me of my old lab, he stomps around in the snow like a little snow king, pulling off his gloves because he can't grab things with them on.  I use my mom voice "Jackson, you MUST wear gloves!" He refuses.  I turn around and my daughter is still crying.  She hates her winter clothes.  Then I have to drag him kicking and screaming back inside before the frost bite sets in.  


Is it May yet?