Marriage: That shit is hard

Anyone else ever wake up to a perfectly fine morning and then just like that it all shifts and you think: "That's it! Today's the day I kill my husband."

*Listen up! This is hyperbole.  I'm being incendiary and sarcastic and speaking figuratively.  If you LITERALLY kill your spouse you're probably an asshole and you deserve a long time in jail to reflect on that.  We on the same page? Ok.  Sweet.

I'm married to the most wonderful, dynamic, thoughtful, considerate, interesting man and today I want to punch him in the dick.  Marriage.

There's a bullshit notion floating around our society that one person (like a spouse) is supposed to complete us, fill us up, make us whole, be our everything all the time no matter what.  It's supposed to be all passion all the time where everyone walks around with sex hair and a smile on their face and we all agree on how to spend the money.   

Come in close.  Closer.  A little closer...now, listen up....

THAT IS FUCKING FANTASY LAND!!!! 

If that's what you're after, get a dog.  

Marriage, at it's best, is knowing you choose an imperfect person, to build an imperfect life with and that sometimes you're going to slam a door in someones face and that shitty days with shitty attitudes are perfectly normal.  They happen.  Building a life with someone is really hard - life is really hard! Why do we assume we are entitled to be happy and fulfilled all the damn time inside the bubble of marriage?  The goal is obviously to minimize the amount of shitty days and slammed doors, who the fuck wants to live like that all the time (or even most of the time) but sometimes you're just not going to be in the mood to be someones everything.  It's a lot to ask of a person - to complete you and all. It's a lot to expect someone to anticipate your every wish and desire and then punish them when they come up short.  Sometimes a bullshit expectation will very simply yield you a bullshit response.  

Something you'll hear out of my mouth or see in my writings a lot is this: You cannot have it all, all at the same time.  

I apply this to life about a hundred times a day.  It's my adulating mantra.  

I cannot marry a complicated, dynamic, unique individual (traits I celebrate) and then expect them to think and act just like me.  

I cannot marry someone who thinks and acts just like me and then expect there to be surprises and passion or wonder why I'm so bored or not challenged.

I married a man, it's not reasonable to ask him to process like a woman.  

He married a woman, it's not reasonable for him to expect me to process like a man.

So shit is going to happen.  Marriage is going to be hard.  It's supposed to be HARD! If it was easy there would be no reward, no value, no reason to remain invested other than sharing the responsibility of cleaning dirty dishes and dragging the trash outside.  That I can do all by myself - I'm in this for something more.  Something meaningful.  

See those resting bitch faces?
Mine. xoxo

So rather then spending my day compiling a list of all the reasons I have a right to be mad or hurt and digging deep into the archives to throw out old shit at him (because nothing solves one problem like hurling 15 more at someone) I'm going to spend the day thinking about how many great things my husband does for me and our family, how fortunate we are. I'm going to focus on all of his good traits and the things I love most about him (like his resting bitch face - I do, I love it!)  I'm going to spend the day reminding myself that I'm not perfect either and that I'm pretty hard to live with myself.  I'm a fucking crazy person too and I'm fortunate to have a great partner who doesn't spend nearly as much time as I do asking me to read his mind or articulating my short comings.