Wine and Rhetoric

I write a blog.  This is basically the grownup version of "Dear Diary".  I am not writing a cookbook or a how-to, I am sharing my personal philosophy on life.  I am allowing a reader to understand how I process, why I process like that and I'm attempting to describe what the world looks like to ME, through MY lens.  

There are some things I will never write about.  You the reader will know that I was married before.  I will joke about or discuss the lessons I learned within or after that marriage but the specifics, what it was really like, what happened, him - those are not things I will ever discuss.  

I will never tell someone else's story.  I do not write a blog about others, I write a personal blog and so it's only MY story and MY emotions that I write about.  

I was hurt as a child - don't ever expect to read a recap of those events.  The specifics aren't really that important or special.  That experience itself isn't actually that unique.  My experience doesn't make me special - millions of people have felt similar pain.  People felt that before me, they felt that with me and they will feel that long after I am gone. I actually find enormous comfort in knowing that.  What's important to ME are the emotions, the takeaway, how I processed it all, what I allowed it to do to me or how I took back control of my life afterwards.  That is what I share, or attempt to. 

I imagine if you the reader subscribe to a different religious, political, parenting and overall life philosophy from mine, toss in a healthy dose of your own life experiences - then anything that I write may to you, look like "what the fuck you crazy person, NO, no, no, it's actually more like THIS."  

Or perhaps you'll just think "wow this person's an asshole."

I suppose that's the risk I take when I allow anyone a window into my soul.  

But, you, the reader - you also have a choice.  Whether it's my blog or life in general you have a choice.  You have a choice to click on my posts and read them or not.  You have a choice in life when you meet someone whose personal philosophy differs from yours in how you let that move your needle.  You can meet them with nothing but open opposition (and sometimes I suppose that's okay)  or you can just go, "huh, I think differently.  This is not a place I'm going to find a connection.  Next"

I feel like as a society though we are in some weird and unhealthy place where we feel that anyone who says or does anything that offends us must be met with out greatest, biggest opposition, because how dare they! 

Sometimes it's okay to just let it go. 

If the same reader is constantly reading my writing and it's doing nothing but causing them opposition or frustration then perhaps I'm the wrong blogger for that reader.  We very simply may not view the world anywhere near the same; and that's OKAY.  We don't have to.  

I'm a sponge.  I take in a stupid amount of external stimulus.  I can usually feel the emotions of those around me.  I empathize incredibly well.  My super powers are reading body language and facial expressions and honestly the air around you.  If we are sharing the space I can usually tell what you think of me even when you aren't saying it.  It's actually not such a super power - it's overwhelming.  This is why I kicked ass at sales.  It was my job to be able to walk into any room, size you up and then connect with you all the while leaving you to feel as though it was organic.  I've done this my entire life, even as a child and usually without putting a great deal of thought into it.  This ability to connect (or morph into what I think you want/need) with so many people is why my 70 year old liquor store guy called me to help him on the day he mistakenly ate a pot brownie, even though our interactions have always been limited to me buying vodka from him.  I get people.  An occupational hazard of this: It's really easy to loose myself, to forget MY truth.  This was one of my biggest  mistakes and something I have to accept accountability for within my first marriage.  How could I possibly function in marriage if I had no idea who I was anymore.  Perhaps it's now, years later, what propels me to write, to expel it all back out into the universe in order to find myself clearly again.  It's too much to keep inside.  Almost everything I read or see or take in moves my needle and after awhile the constant feedback coming from every angle well  it changes how I think, which changes how I act, which effects how I react.  Or in this specific instance, it changes how I write.  

A blog has to be a safe place for a writer to tell their story, with their words about their experiences and they have an obligation to do so with respect to those around them.  That doesn't mean if Mark and I have a fight that I will never write about how I felt when we fought - because I know that ALL couples fight.  It means the specifics, who was right or wrong or the asshole, all the dirty details- that's not the real story I am trying to tell.  That's not the important part.    

This will never be a trashy gossip page where you can come and learn about the specifics of my life's drama.  This will however be a place where you might read about how I felt when I was met with criticism (which anyone is entitled to deliver) and how I learned to process that.  You may hear about any number of emotional events but the story isn't the event, it's the outcome.  It's how I made sense of it all.  And, in this space, it will always be about ME.  

I can only tell MY story. 

This blog is called Wine and Rhetoric.  When I set out to create a blog I thought of all the thousands of porch conversations and wine nights and stories told and passions exchanged and the millions of words that I have spoken over all the years and I wanted THIS to resemble that.  To feel like you're sitting on a porch with me, after two glasses of wine, and we're dropping truth bombs with utter abandoment.  I love a grand tale, hyperbole, passionate language, animated gestures (read this and picture my arms flailing about as I speak) and I naturally and always have spoken as if to persuade.  It doesn't make what I have to say the ultimate truth or real or law or fact - I'm just a girl, with a blog asking you to let me run MY mouth. (I can actually see Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant while I write that.  I'm also super dorky.) 

As a reader you have a choice.  Actually I believe in life as a person you always have a choice.  You get to choose how you react or if you even react at all (which is still a choice and then no reaction is actually still a reaction, which will bring on more events, that you will then have to choose how you react to - or if you even react at all. THIS NEVER ENDS) You get to choose what you the reader takes away from this and it could be wildly different than my original intent based on you, your life, your mindset.  You also as the reader are choosing to be here. You're choosing to click on my blog, open it up, read what's going on in MY mind and take in how I see things and then you get choose to 1. remain  neutral about my options 2. you can let my opinions move your needle and/or 3. you can choose to engage with me about my opinions.  Those are your choices. 

When I write I write knowing though that sometime I just can't engage.  Sometimes I just write to write, to put it out there, to cleanse my head of all the shit and I can't always defend how I process, why I process or how I feel - it just is.  

The minute I begin to question whether or not I can honestly share my emotions, my story or my view point (without offending) is the the day I have to stop writing.  This is the one place in the universe that gets to be all about me.  

It's funny to hear my husbands reactions when I talk about something I may have written, and he's incredibly supportive.  However, he often has a completely different view of any one situation we were in together.  We are different people.  We see things differently.  We will always see things differently.  We value that difference and we are learning how to not always meet the other with opposition but how to seek to understand a mindset or an experience that may seem foreign.  

So, Wine and Rhetoric - it's mine.  It's my place.  It's my thoughts.  It's my crazy.  It's my views.  

Everything after that really is up to you the reader.  When I said I don't give one teeny, tiny fuck it was because I was (in an incredibly sarcastic tone) was saying, I can't give all the fucks.  It's not possible.  It's not healthy.  OF course I give a fuck, I don't want to hurt anyone - but if I am writing only about me, how I felt, my emotions and how I make sense out of it all, then I can't give a teeny tiny fuck if you don't agree with me.  I'm not writing a blog to win over an opinion, I'm just sharing mine.