Yoga, Marriage And A Bit Of Insanity

Years ago, BK (before kids) I was a yoga girl.  I went 3-4 times a week to a local hot yoga studio and I put in my 90 minutes with a smile on my face.  I LOVED it!! Something about the hot humid air, the opportunity to run through 26 predicable postures, twice.  I knew what to expect, what was coming around the bend and I had a chance for redemption if I fell out of pose.  Every new day that I walked in I had an immediate measure for my own performance and my own growth based on where I was last time.  Also, my ass looked great! It was everything my 28 year old self wanted in a workout.  Then, their scheduled changed.  The new instructor who taught that time slot was a certifiable yoga bitch! She was rude! She was unfriendly.  She was brash. She was a pretentious yoga snob!

 She routinely called people out for breathing too loudly:

"Lady in the back corner, enough with the drama please! Quiet! You're upsetting the room!"

Haaaave you ever done 90 minutes of hot yoga? Um, that shit is hard! Like really hard! Like your heart is pumping, your body is shaking, your mind in closing in on you and you've only been there 8 minutes hard!

I'd watch, as people looked around the room to see who here was upset by loud breathing (no one) and then I'd shudder in embarrassment for the poor person who was just singled out.

She'd start class early and kick out the people who arrived exactly on time:

"Nope! Sorry! You're late, we've already begun and you need to wait for the next class"

Never mind that they just battled rush hour to get there and already PAID for the class (that had begun early) and still had open room for them.

She called people out for failure:

"Man in the back - if you fall out of tree pose one more time I'm going to ask you to relocate.  Stop the drama, you are a distraction to your neighbor"

No, no he wasn't.

There I was, in my wonky tree pose, trying to get my leg out 90 degrees (breathing really hard and probably loudly) and all I could think is: "I dare you! Say just one word and I'll fucking fight you! Namaste THIS you yoga c**t!" I'd have what I call my Ally McBeal moments, when instead of finding calm inner peace, I'd play out some dramatic confrontation in my mind as I struggled to remain balanced.

I stopped going to class.  I tried to find a new workout but nothing did it for me like hot yoga.  I missed it.  Then one day I had a moment of what seemed like obvious clarity; I realized that I was allowing her to have all the power.  She wasn't going to get fired. She wasn't going to magically become all warm and fuzzy.  She wasn't deeply saddened and remorseful that her rudeness offended me - and she wasn't going to change.  I did not have another studio nearby, so if I wanted to practice hot yoga - THIS was my choice and she WAS my option.  I could fight it, avoid it, OR I could shift my goals - a concept that has come up again, and again in my life since then.  

I could shift.  

That's exactly what I did - instead of trying to master my tree pose, I began to focus on mastering my thoughts.  I worked overtime while in her classroom to tune her out -  on quieting the "white noise" around me and really, truly, focusing on what I was doing  (maybe for the first time ever) and I had to do so without giving a single bother if she singled me out or not.

I spent another year and a half in her class - right up front.  That was 8 years ago.

I've thought of her, and the lesson I learned in her yoga room often since then.  Learning how to tune out the background noise, how to be still with my own thoughts and how to shift my goals or expectations when I'm up against a wall.  I thought of her after my divorce, when everyone had a opinion and a side to choose.  I thought of her when I found myself working for someone I detested and unable to respect.  I thought of her after my "layoff" and again when I found myself pregnant while unemployed and uninsured.  I think of this as I parent when I find there are days and stages I don't enjoy as much as I thought I might.  I remind myself of this when life throws me a curve ball and I am actively thinking of her now, in my marriage, as we both battle it out every damn day because even a great, healthy and committed marriage IS INCREDIBLY HARD YA'LL!!

Where can I bend? Are MY expectations getting in our way? What goal can I shift? Can I approach this from a new angle? When all else fails: How can I learn and grow from this?

I've decided the secret to a happy marriage (and maybe even life) is the understanding that it's fucking hard, and that's normal - so roll with it.

I remind myself every day, in some capacity, that I can fight it, avoid it or I can shift, lean into it and walk away with something positive.  I usually find the most happiness behind door number 3 and yet I continue to ALWAYS open the other two doors first.  Something, something, about the definition of insanity....

So, thank you yoga bitch.  I could not wiggle myself into camel pose for a million dollars anymore, but I (surprisingly) took away something far more valuable from your classroom, and I am grateful everyday for your irritating personality.  Namaste.