It's with a heavy heart I announce our divorce...

My husband and I had a disagreement on how we view our marriage and the priorities we have set.  I said during this discussion that:

 "I'm afraid if we continue along this path at some point one of us is going to have an affair"

What Mark heard was:

 "I cheated on you - in fact I'm actively cheating on you right now."

He began to yell and scream and got hysterical because he feared I would ruin our marriage, disrespect him and our kids and cause him great harm and hurt. 

I repeated:

 "babe, I DID NOT cheat on you, what I said was...." but he cut me off. He was so upset that I cheated on him that he STOPPED listening to me. 

That night he moved out of our bed room.  The more he sat reflecting on my infidelity the more angry and emotional he became. The next day he continued to REACT. 

In the morning he took to Facebook:

"I just wanted to let our friends and family know that Kristi cheated on me. She admitted this to me by her own words and I've decided to act to protect our kids. I ask for your prayers and well wishes during this emotional and difficult time" 

I was dumbfounded, because ya know, I didn't ACTUALLY cheat on him. He'd misunderstood me completely. 

I got a call later that day from my mom - she was devastated.  How could I do that she asked? I explained, or tried to explain, that I did NOT cheat on him but she cut me off: 

"Kristi, I saw it on facebook. Why would Mark write that if it's NOT true? He would never do that! That's not the Mark we know. Stop hiding the truth from me!" 

I got the feeling she had made up her mind before she even called me. 

So Marks declaration of my indiscretion was shared and the news spread and you can imagine most of our family rallied behind Mark.  I, had after all, completely betrayed him and the sanctity of our marriage.  

Our home became hostile, divided.  I stopped trying to correct him and instead just began to plan for our eminent divorce.  I waited for him to file first.  Since I had NEVER ACTUALLY cheated on him I did not feel that being the first to file for divorce was appropriate. 

So, Mark REACTED by filing for divorce as well as sole custody of our kids.  My infidelity, according to him, had ruined our home, emotionally wrecked our kids and he didn't want them to be raised by someone who would do such horrible things to someone they "loved".  He also sat them down to tell them that they were all moving out.  The kids are devastated but I guess I should have expected some collateral damage...

After about a year I tried one last time to save our marriage.  I came to him and said:

 "babe, I'd really like to explain what I meant last year when I made that comment"

Mark just went to his phone, opened up FB and showed me his post from last year: 

"I just wanted to let our friends and family know that Kristi cheated on me. She admitted this to me by her own words and I've decided to act to protect our kids. I ask for your prayers and well wishes during this emotional and difficult time" 

Ahh, damn you Time Hop! 

He pointed to this post and said:

 "I wrote this post so that you couldn't manipulate me down the road into believing your lies! I get to see, in black and white and with my OWN eyes what YOU DID to us!"

But DID I?

Well fuck. There it goes, my marriage - if only he had waited to REACT he may have seen that I NEVER ACTUALLY CHEATED ON HIM! Oh the good times we could possibly have had...maybe it would have all been okay. 

Maybe not, but I didn't even get a chance to prove him right, his mind was already made up and there was NO CHANGING it. I mean, he read his own words...written in FEAR, but he read his own words and no matter what I did, or what I said, he just re-read his words and reaffirmed that I CHEATED. 

I'm trying to keep politics off of my blog.  BUT it's crazy to me, no matter what your politics, how we read and hear what we WANT to hear! It's no longer just the far left or the far right publishing slanted opinions or "news stories" it seems to be EVERYWHERE! I have lost faith in ALL media - it's ALL become propaganda in my opinion. I scroll through my news feed and there are two stories 180 degrees apart about the same event - it's unbelievable.  I like a good reaction as much as anyone but people are ready to undermine our entire democratic process, bulling the Electoral delegates in hopes they go rogue, SENDING THEM DEATH THREATS and talking about a MAJOR (and not really plausible) amendment to the constitution because they are AFRAID the President Elect MIGHT do something horrible based on what's been WRITTEN about what he SAID.  Do we really want to set a precedent that we can change the outcome of a vote? Based on a belief of what they MAY do? Really? Those are muddy waters no matter what side of the coin you're on.  Can't we all just calm the fuck down for just a minute...just a wee minute and SEE if he ACTUALLY DOES something before we REACT? 

Mitch Album reminded us something that I loved and found wise and comforting: "we didn't elect a king, we voted in a president" - one who was scrutinized by EVERYONE including his own party, that very same party that he needs to ACTUALLY implement policy and law.  Maybe we don't have to throw baby out with the bath water just yet. 

**My husband would like me to remind those that struggle with being literal, that there is not a font for sarcasm or metaphors. We are happily married, I adore him - in fact I kinda wanna grab his ass right now. Just sayin. 

Yoga, Marriage And A Bit Of Insanity

Years ago, BK (before kids) I was a yoga girl.  I went 3-4 times a week to a local hot yoga studio and I put in my 90 minutes with a smile on my face.  I LOVED it!! Something about the hot humid air, the opportunity to run through 26 predicable postures, twice.  I knew what to expect, what was coming around the bend and I had a chance for redemption if I fell out of pose.  Every new day that I walked in I had an immediate measure for my own performance and my own growth based on where I was last time.  Also, my ass looked great! It was everything my 28 year old self wanted in a workout.  Then, their scheduled changed.  The new instructor who taught that time slot was a certifiable yoga bitch! She was rude! She was unfriendly.  She was brash. She was a pretentious yoga snob!

 She routinely called people out for breathing too loudly:

"Lady in the back corner, enough with the drama please! Quiet! You're upsetting the room!"

Haaaave you ever done 90 minutes of hot yoga? Um, that shit is hard! Like really hard! Like your heart is pumping, your body is shaking, your mind in closing in on you and you've only been there 8 minutes hard!

I'd watch, as people looked around the room to see who here was upset by loud breathing (no one) and then I'd shudder in embarrassment for the poor person who was just singled out.

She'd start class early and kick out the people who arrived exactly on time:

"Nope! Sorry! You're late, we've already begun and you need to wait for the next class"

Never mind that they just battled rush hour to get there and already PAID for the class (that had begun early) and still had open room for them.

She called people out for failure:

"Man in the back - if you fall out of tree pose one more time I'm going to ask you to relocate.  Stop the drama, you are a distraction to your neighbor"

No, no he wasn't.

There I was, in my wonky tree pose, trying to get my leg out 90 degrees (breathing really hard and probably loudly) and all I could think is: "I dare you! Say just one word and I'll fucking fight you! Namaste THIS you yoga c**t!" I'd have what I call my Ally McBeal moments, when instead of finding calm inner peace, I'd play out some dramatic confrontation in my mind as I struggled to remain balanced.

I stopped going to class.  I tried to find a new workout but nothing did it for me like hot yoga.  I missed it.  Then one day I had a moment of what seemed like obvious clarity; I realized that I was allowing her to have all the power.  She wasn't going to get fired. She wasn't going to magically become all warm and fuzzy.  She wasn't deeply saddened and remorseful that her rudeness offended me - and she wasn't going to change.  I did not have another studio nearby, so if I wanted to practice hot yoga - THIS was my choice and she WAS my option.  I could fight it, avoid it, OR I could shift my goals - a concept that has come up again, and again in my life since then.  

I could shift.  

That's exactly what I did - instead of trying to master my tree pose, I began to focus on mastering my thoughts.  I worked overtime while in her classroom to tune her out -  on quieting the "white noise" around me and really, truly, focusing on what I was doing  (maybe for the first time ever) and I had to do so without giving a single bother if she singled me out or not.

I spent another year and a half in her class - right up front.  That was 8 years ago.

I've thought of her, and the lesson I learned in her yoga room often since then.  Learning how to tune out the background noise, how to be still with my own thoughts and how to shift my goals or expectations when I'm up against a wall.  I thought of her after my divorce, when everyone had a opinion and a side to choose.  I thought of her when I found myself working for someone I detested and unable to respect.  I thought of her after my "layoff" and again when I found myself pregnant while unemployed and uninsured.  I think of this as I parent when I find there are days and stages I don't enjoy as much as I thought I might.  I remind myself of this when life throws me a curve ball and I am actively thinking of her now, in my marriage, as we both battle it out every damn day because even a great, healthy and committed marriage IS INCREDIBLY HARD YA'LL!!

Where can I bend? Are MY expectations getting in our way? What goal can I shift? Can I approach this from a new angle? When all else fails: How can I learn and grow from this?

I've decided the secret to a happy marriage (and maybe even life) is the understanding that it's fucking hard, and that's normal - so roll with it.

I remind myself every day, in some capacity, that I can fight it, avoid it or I can shift, lean into it and walk away with something positive.  I usually find the most happiness behind door number 3 and yet I continue to ALWAYS open the other two doors first.  Something, something, about the definition of insanity....

So, thank you yoga bitch.  I could not wiggle myself into camel pose for a million dollars anymore, but I (surprisingly) took away something far more valuable from your classroom, and I am grateful everyday for your irritating personality.  Namaste.