Not every thought is going to be a gem

My brain is a crazy whackadoodle place that is mostly manageable - until it's not.  

I remind myself that EVERYONE has their story, their own whackadoodle thoughts and most days this helps me feel normal, helps me rationalize my own fears and insecurities and demons and on other days I just feel exhausted and over it.  

I picked up my bag of shit young, and more than 25 years later I find that I still, on a daily basis, have to choose, "will I breath life into this thought or will I extinguish it?"  

This may be one of the greatest lessons I've learned (through therapy) and that I am still learning through constant practice.  I hope to teach this to my children: YOU CAN control your thoughts! You CAN give them life, nurture them and let them grow roots or you CAN say, "nope! not today,  out with you" and you have the amazing ability to redirect your brain and boot out the poison that shows up without an invitation.  

Not every thought needs to be entertained! Not every one will be a gem. I have a toddler - trust me, some thoughts are just space filler while your brain is allowed to wander. 

For me though here's the thing: I will struggle with this forever! But I have yet to meet someone who doesn't also carry around their own bucket of crazy.  We are all fucking nuts.  All of us.  For me, there will most likely never be a day when my brain doesn't invite in anger, or fear, or panic or resentment or self pity, but just because it's there doesn't mean I have to host it.  I may not have chosen the event that triggered this, but I do get to choose what stays and what goes.  I have that power.  I get to control that.  

I can be angry that this is now a part of how I function or I can just make peace with the fact that I was changed by a traumatic event and now that's a part of my tapestry like it or not.  

I choose peace.

Maybe this is one of the reasons I'm such a "living out loud" kind of girl; sharing my crazy - either by verbalizing it or writing it I am able to rationalize it, which helps me then to box it back up and give it a cozy home in the "shit we don't entertain" corner of my brain.  It's when I try to hold it all in, when I let myself believe I am the ONLY ONE with damage or when I quietly pretend that I'm not freaking-the-fuck out that I let my guard down just enough for those little buggers to grow some roots.  I am an ugly person when my brain is overrun with weeds!!  Trust me, it's a lot easier to pull out one weed than to pull out a thousand. So grab them one-at-a-time as they come and don't ever stop.  

I believe this is all part of the human experience, what makes us amazing, resilient, dynamic and empathetic souls.  Our damage is part of what makes us beautiful.  Celebrate that you are a survivor rather than living as if you've been a victim.  And when all else fails, ask for help.  Asking for help is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and I'm always a fan of a good gift.