The shaving of the head - 72 hours later

I was pretty clear in my last post that choosing to donate my hair (read: shave it all off and shamelessly fundraise for St. Baldricks) was equal parts wanting to participate in something unifying, a way for my mom-self to fight against something that keeps me up at night and just plain old-fashion curiosity.  I was hoping that I would learn something about myself when this process was finished. 

It didn't take that long.  48 hours in I was leveled. 

I got asked "why" a lot this weekend and really other than the above glossed over why's I couldn't really drill down to a specific reason.  Not easily.  

I think I was tired.  Tired of all the negative news.  Tired of the divide, the tension, the uncertainty.  

My sister and brother-in-law are waiting on the birth of their second child and also the death of his amazing father.  That's a lot of emotions and I'm only on the outside looking in. 

There's a local news story of a girl named Danielle who disappeared just before Christmas.  She left work and that was it, never heard from again.  This story has captured my attention and I can not watch the local news and see her parents speaking without ugly crying.  I see her beautiful face every day on Facebook. 

We are blessed with healthy children but I have friends whose kids have challenges, real health concerns, real dangers to their future and I know that on a dime our wonderful world could all come crashing down.  

I was just tired. I was overwhelmed. I needed to be uplifted.

So I did what I usually do, I jumped in with two feet and figured I'd learn how to swim while flailing around.

St. Baldricks was an easy choice - they help children.  They help families.  They help parents who sit on the sidelines feeling helpless and lost. This touched me.

Within 48 hours nearly $1100 has been raised towards my $5000 goal.  My social media was set ablaze! I was getting messages from friends and strangers sharing with me their personal stories and telling me how inspired or grateful or selfless I am for doing this.  In a weird way it was like being at my own funeral - you never typically get to hear people telling you such kind and wonderful things about yourself while you're still alive.  Each one of the compliments made me squirm.  I told my best friend "oh my God they're going to find out I'm a fraud.  That I still sometimes say shitty things or do shitty things. I try, but I am not really that good."

Reading your stories over the weekend (they all made me cry) has left me feeling humbled. Many times this weekend I was left speechless, not something that happens often in my world.  I am honored to honor you and to honor your loved ones.  The weight of that I feel and I take seriously. 

Instead of feeling anxious or nervous, now I feel proud to be a part of this.  Proud to be taking such a huge leap.  Proud to do something that made you feel the feels.  The good feels.

Yes, at the end of the road money will be turned over to St. Baldricks, my hair will be sent off for a very thick and long wig (or wigs) and families whose children are battling cancer will know for a moment that they aren't alone and that others care.  People will be honored.  Yes, those are all GREAT, GREAT things and I couldn't do this without supporting and believing in them. 

BUT I really just needed to send some love out.  I felt compelled to send something positive out into the world, and I needed that right now!! I did.  That motivation was not selfless, but rather selfish.  The end result remains the same and that's a great thing I'm proud to be a part of but my motivation was to feel uplifted, not exclusively to uplift.  There's a difference and I feel like a fraud when you kindly call me selfless.

I'm only 72 hours into this and I can tell you with 100% certainty (and that really annoying sentence we all hate) I will get more out of this then I possibly imagined and this will stay with me forever. 

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your donations, your support, you undeserving compliments and your sharing of this story.  St. Baldricks is an amazing organization doing wonderful work for Childhood Cancer research.  I am honored to be a part of their mission for the next few months.  I am thrilled to send some love and light out into the world.  I am grateful for the opportunity and the support.  The good Lord blessed me with the ability to run my mouth and keep no secrets.  It's nice on occasion to use that for good rather than stringing together a bunch of fuckitty-fucks and hitting publish.  

See what I did there.  I'm still just me. 

If the spirit moves you and you'd like to fork over some cash to this truly great cause, please use the link below.  As my accountant recently told us while we were itemizing - EVERYONE WINS when you donate to charity.  THANK YOU! 

https://www.stbaldricks.org/donations/received/participant/902148/2017