Monday, October 30, 2017

Disney Classic: A Toddler's Tale

Snow White was on TV the other night on Disney Jr.  I thought it would be fun to snuggle up with my 4 year old son and watch a classic Disney movie.  What

So - I tee'd up.


ME: J, would you like to watch a movie? Snow White is on TV tonight.  I think you'll love it!

J: Sure mom.  What's it about?

Me: Well [pause to think] it's about a little girl who lives with her stepmother, who's a witch and so the girl runs away and meets the 7 Dwarfs. 

J: What's a witch? Why does she run away?

Me: Well a witch is a person with powers who can do magical stuff and she runs away because [long pause...] um...well...her step mom tries to kill her. 

J: Her mom tries to kill her? KILL? Why? 

Me: Well...[longer pause as regret sinks in] She wants to kill her because she is very pretty - and very nice. 

J: [ wide eyed silent state] She wants to kill her because she's pretty and nice?

Me: Well yes - she's very mean and jealous - but you're missing the point, when she runs away she meets the 7 Dwarfs! They are so fun!!

J: So, does she use her witch powers to kill her?

Me: We're still here, huh? Um no.  She tells someone to kill her. 

J: HOW! Who? Do they squish her like a grape?

Me: She tells her Huntsmen to kill her - he's like an Army man.  

[Fuck dude! Who wrote this fucking story!! What a fucked up message - OMG I'm a millennial mom! Why did I think this was a good idea.  I need wine. Husband - look at me and notice the I need wine look.  I'm sending you a mental message - yes....yes....Boom! Wine.]

J: HOW! 

Me: Well...um....well....he is supposed to cut out her heart. 

J: [silent pause] DOES HE??? Does he kill her? 

Me: No. He makes a good choice and doesn't hurt her. He lets her go and she runs away into the woods. 

J: You always say it's not safe to run away.  Is her Daddy with her?

Me: No.  Huh, I don't recall him as part of the story.  Maybe he's at work (regretting his choice in women) 

J: So, she's alone in the woods?

Me: Yes - but that's where she meets the 7 Dwarfs!! And they are sooooo fun!

J: Who are the Dwarfs?

Me: They are 7 men who all live together and work in the woods. 

J: Does she know them?

Me: No. 

J: So they are strangers?

Me: Yes.

J: Does she know they aren't tricky people

Me: Well...I don't know...yes, maybe....I guess.  

J: But you don't let me talk to strangers? They could be tricky people

Me: Well you can if you're being chased by a witch.

J: [wide eyed look of fear] Will a witch try to kill me?

Me: No - sorry.  This is all pretend.  If you are being chased by a pretend witch you can run into the pretend woods and talk to all the pretend strangers you want to.

J: How do they meet?

Me: Well she hides in their house while they are at work and naps in their beds.  When they come home they find her there?

J: So she doesn't know them. 

Me: No

J: And she goes into their house

Me: well...yes - but only to hide from the witch [this is melting down quickly]

J: Mom, this movie sounds too scary.  Can we watch Deadpool?

Me: OMG! J, for the 100th time, YOU ARE NOT WATCHING DEADPOOL!!! How do you even know the name of that movie? No. Here - Peppa Pig. 


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