Ugh - Politics.

I'm probably not the only person whose Facebook page has gone back to a hot bed of political posts this past week,  and for anyone reading this who is also on my Facebook page you know I'm right there in the thick of it too.  

So much to debate!

So many opinions to share!

So many people to convenience!

So many words to justify our beliefs!

So many people left only to defend their view point rather than celebrate that they have a fucking view point in the first place!

America is in an unhappy marriage, and it seems to be constantly discussing hot topics and touchy issues with a renewed passion for position.  I think this is mostly a good thing but I also hope over the next 4 years we really do find a way to bridge the gap between us and heal, not just continue to debate and call names.

I subscribe to a variety of news and blogs from all sides, and I have a diverse group of friends also sharing additional writings from all sides.  And I read these, and I appreciate the conversations that come out of them.  However, maybe I am just reading the wrong posts from the wrong groups but I've noticed that most of what I read, from BOTH SIDES, seems to subscribe to this tone:  

"THIS is why I'm right and you're wrong and if you would just agree to this point, this point, and this point you'd see clearly how wrong you are." 

- OR -

"It's so clearly THIS! You must be too [fill in negative statement about the opposing side] to see it this way"

Oh my God!  America needs couples therapy!! Fuuuuck! Every group seems to be trying to convince the opposing side of their views; we are fighting to win, not fighting to understand.  And I'm guilty of this myself.

What if we are all wrong and all a little bit right? What if we stop trying to convince our neighbors to see the world our way and instead we begin to tell our neighbors how we feel about and view the world and why. What if as the neighbor we stop trying to sell our own agenda and instead we truly listen and seek to understand someone who seems "unreasonable"?

What if we all made it our new mantra: "You can't have it all, all at the same time" and we truly and sincerely started to look for places of compromise. 

Our politicians, no matter who they are, will not stand a chance against us if we figure out how to solve our differences and work towards solutions, not wins.  We elect them.  We vote on the issues.  We can choose to continue arguing to win, to convince,  to point out flaws, shortcomings or imbalances  (This never works in my marriage.  Maybe it's just me)  or we can consider that we are a DIVERSE collection of unique and beautiful individuals.  This country is a melting pot of different religions, theologies and political views - many of which may be 180 degrees from your own beliefs. You are not going to get everything you want.  Don't worry, no one will.

Perhaps all of our answers lie someplace right in the middle -  but it takes bravery to stop fighting to win your side and instead to look for areas of compromise.  We are however the "home of the brave" so I still believe in us.

Any good marriage counselor will tell you respectful communication and a sincere desire to understand, even to empathize with the other persons view, is a great place to start when you disagree.  

I know this.  I'm on my second marriage.  

Not every thought is going to be a gem

My brain is a crazy whackadoodle place that is mostly manageable - until it's not.  

I remind myself that EVERYONE has their story, their own whackadoodle thoughts and most days this helps me feel normal, helps me rationalize my own fears and insecurities and demons and on other days I just feel exhausted and over it.  

I picked up my bag of shit young, and more than 25 years later I find that I still, on a daily basis, have to choose, "will I breath life into this thought or will I extinguish it?"  

This may be one of the greatest lessons I've learned (through therapy) and that I am still learning through constant practice.  I hope to teach this to my children: YOU CAN control your thoughts! You CAN give them life, nurture them and let them grow roots or you CAN say, "nope! not today,  out with you" and you have the amazing ability to redirect your brain and boot out the poison that shows up without an invitation.  

Not every thought needs to be entertained! Not every one will be a gem. I have a toddler - trust me, some thoughts are just space filler while your brain is allowed to wander. 

For me though here's the thing: I will struggle with this forever! But I have yet to meet someone who doesn't also carry around their own bucket of crazy.  We are all fucking nuts.  All of us.  For me, there will most likely never be a day when my brain doesn't invite in anger, or fear, or panic or resentment or self pity, but just because it's there doesn't mean I have to host it.  I may not have chosen the event that triggered this, but I do get to choose what stays and what goes.  I have that power.  I get to control that.  

I can be angry that this is now a part of how I function or I can just make peace with the fact that I was changed by a traumatic event and now that's a part of my tapestry like it or not.  

I choose peace.

Maybe this is one of the reasons I'm such a "living out loud" kind of girl; sharing my crazy - either by verbalizing it or writing it I am able to rationalize it, which helps me then to box it back up and give it a cozy home in the "shit we don't entertain" corner of my brain.  It's when I try to hold it all in, when I let myself believe I am the ONLY ONE with damage or when I quietly pretend that I'm not freaking-the-fuck out that I let my guard down just enough for those little buggers to grow some roots.  I am an ugly person when my brain is overrun with weeds!!  Trust me, it's a lot easier to pull out one weed than to pull out a thousand. So grab them one-at-a-time as they come and don't ever stop.  

I believe this is all part of the human experience, what makes us amazing, resilient, dynamic and empathetic souls.  Our damage is part of what makes us beautiful.  Celebrate that you are a survivor rather than living as if you've been a victim.  And when all else fails, ask for help.  Asking for help is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and I'm always a fan of a good gift. 

To Whom it may concern

Dear Makers of Elf on a Shelf,

Seriously! This Elf - he's killing me!

I see adorable photos ALL OVER my Facebook and Instagram feed of this lil guy doing clever things: he's wearing adorable costumes, getting into cute mischief, making childhood magic.  I wish I was THAT mom, I'd love to be that mom -  but let me be honest here,  I am soooo not that mom! However, mom guilt.  Modern-pintrest-social media-make every moment fucking magical- mom guilt...give me a good reason to pull out my credit card and solve his one like the consumer driven woman that I am.

Here's what I need to participate in this "tradition" and go back to sleeping peacefully in December.

I'd like a kit - 12 days.  I'm not even gonna fool myself into believing i'll be starting this the day after Thanksgiving.  I just won't.  In fact I'm a procrastinator with a busy schedule and a full brain so I'd like to be able to get this kit via Amazon Prime and within 48 hours.  Pretty please.  If you could just auto refill this yearly and charge my card, that'd be great too.

Please make sure to include a clean napkin.
Most weeks I still forget to buy toilet paper.

I would like the kit to model that of Blue Apron.  Give me 12 days of photos, accessories and detailed instructions on how to dress and hide that little guy.  Leave nothing to my over taxed imagination.

Bonus points if you can also include wine to fill my modern advent calendar. Because Holidays.


 Kindly Yours,

Adorable! Will you please add in a magic
sponge so that I can put this one on social media.

One of my favorites! Can you please include the flour.
Or maybe a pre-made mix of some sort so that my kids find
this one plausible. 

Kristi

10 Winter Activities for Toddlers

So, Michigan winter - it sucks! Sure there are a few really nice days when the sun is out and the three feet of snow has not yet turned into a giant, deadly ice bank, but mostly it's sub zero temps with shitty blowing winds and black slushy snow lining the streets.  Not exactly the picture of a Dickens painting.  

I'm a summer girl with sunshine in her veins! I love nothing more than playing outside, hiking, parks, gardening, the water - so long as the temperature remains above 40 degrees I am as happy as the day is long. But currently, I'm held up in our house, with a 3 year old and a 1 year old and it's officially too cold to go outside.  Like seriously, I think it's 4. FOUR! FOUR FUCKING DEGREES.  But with the wind chill it feels like -7.  It's awesome.

Now sure I could take my kids to some local pay-to-play places, with 2 kids that's roughly $16 to walk in the door, plus snacks so that's another $5.  Oh but they have colds - not a big deal, we always seem to leave these places sick anyways so eh.  So let's say we pony up once a week for an additional $80 a month, that still leaves me with 16 days a month, during this awesome season, that I have to occupy them inside.  

So, I have complied a tried and true list of super fun toddler activities for those days (or weeks) when you're just stuck inside. 

1. Make a pretend car out of a box

Put that Amazon Prime habit to good use and turn those old boxes into imaginary vehicles.  Cars, spaceships, trains...the skies the limit.  Well really I'm the limit - I hate to craft and I have ZERO artistic abilities.  My three year old gets really into this but my one year old just wants to rip apart everything he builds, so they fight.  They scream.  They cry. This wonderful exploration into their imagination should give you about 45-90 seconds of pure magic and than it's a shit show of tantrums and fights.  Cheers.

2.  Curl up and watch a Disney classic.

Grab a large glass of wine ahead of time, drink 'er down.  Now prepare to answer all of your 3 year olds questions about why the mommy or daddy just died.  Do this in 5 minute intervals for the next 90 minutes.

3.  Play hide-and-seek

Yeah that's right.  Close those eyes, close em tight.  Now count to 1 million WITH Mississippi's. Enjoy that peaceful moment. Now go find your kids. I hope your house is more child proof than mind.  I found my daughter in her dresser drawer (thanks to her brother).  I panicked at the thought of the dresser tipping over on her and crushing her, I think I read a warning about this on Facebook once. I forgot hide-and-seek was the devils game.  I opened some wine.  We tried again.  My son hid on the couch watching the Disney movie I forgot to turn off, he had more questions about mommies and daddies dying.  I drank the wine I opened.

4. Bake Cupcakes

This one worked out pretty well, I let my son crack the eggs, my daughter helped us stir, I scooped out egg shells and cleaned a dozen eggs off the kitchen floor. All things considered we were doing good until they had synchronizing sneezes right into the batter.  Now you have two choices; bake the sneeze cakes or toss them out.  If you toss them out you get tears.  If you bake them but don't eat a sneeze cake yourself (mooooomy, why won't you try one of my cupcakes?) you also get tears.  Pick your poison. 

5. Play with ALL THE TOYS

That's right - just let those little miracles destroy the house, at least they are occupied.  I let mine bowl with the La Croix.  Then we wait to see which one Daddy opens when he comes home.  This "destroy everything" game works really well until someone steps on a lego.  Usually it's me.  Now I have to spend the next 3 hours reminding my kids that "holy fuck" is a mommy word.  Seriously, stepping on a rogue lego HURTS! 

6. Learning Activities 

There are all kinds of flash cards and workbooks designed for toddlers to help them get into Yale by 14 or something.  I tried this - my daughter ate the flashcards.  All of them.  My three year old just ran in circles around the living room like a Tasmanian devil.  I opened some cheep champagne and raised a glass to community college.  Finally something in our future we can afford! 

7.  Read books

This is one that my kids both love and participate well in.  They LOVE story time!!! It's a wonderful way for us to spend 5 minutes together bonding.  It's the next 11 hours and 55 minutes of my day that make me nuts.  I have to remind them, again, and again, and again, that it's too cold to play outside.  We practice numbers when I do this; "see this is the number 3, that's how warm it is.  The number 38 is mommies cut off...do you know how many numbers come after 3 and before 38..." Here - have some YouTube.  Is 11 hours of Paw Patrol too much? 

8. Paint

Go ahead girl and get your craft on! We finger paint - I have the Instagrams to prove it.  It takes me longer to set up and clean up then their attention spans can handle, always requires a bath afterwards and somehow we got paint on the ceiling but yeah, get that craft on! I love the sounds of them laughing and creating....followed shortly by the sounds of them fighting over the same paint brush.  My daughter loves to do whatever her brother is doing, wants whatever is in his hands, likes to try to sit in his lap.  He responds by painting on her.  She screams.  Everyone cries.  I only attempt this one when I discover a forgotten IPA in the back of my fridge.  That 9% alcohol makes it easier to listen to them scream while I attempt to get paint off of the ceiling.  Here's to a magical childhood! 

9. Go to Target

Pack-up.  Go stroll through Target.  Spend $300.  Wish you'd of just paid the $20 and gone to the kids play place to catch a new round of hand-foot-mouth disease. 

10.  Suck it up and play outside

Nope! Nope! Nope! I put this one on here because it just felt right, but there's not a snowballs chance in hell I'm going outside in single digit weather to play.  It takes me an hour to bundle everyone up.  My daughter just stands there and cries - yeah lady, I get it.  Mommy is crying on the inside too.  My son reminds me of my old lab, he stomps around in the snow like a little snow king, pulling off his gloves because he can't grab things with them on.  I use my mom voice "Jackson, you MUST wear gloves!" He refuses.  I turn around and my daughter is still crying.  She hates her winter clothes.  Then I have to drag him kicking and screaming back inside before the frost bite sets in.  

Is it May yet?

It's with a heavy heart I announce our divorce...

My husband and I had a disagreement on how we view our marriage and the priorities we have set.  I said during this discussion that:

 "I'm afraid if we continue along this path at some point one of us is going to have an affair"

What Mark heard was:

 "I cheated on you - in fact I'm actively cheating on you right now."

He began to yell and scream and got hysterical because he feared I would ruin our marriage, disrespect him and our kids and cause him great harm and hurt. 

I repeated:

 "babe, I DID NOT cheat on you, what I said was...." but he cut me off. He was so upset that I cheated on him that he STOPPED listening to me. 

That night he moved out of our bed room.  The more he sat reflecting on my infidelity the more angry and emotional he became. The next day he continued to REACT. 

In the morning he took to Facebook:

"I just wanted to let our friends and family know that Kristi cheated on me. She admitted this to me by her own words and I've decided to act to protect our kids. I ask for your prayers and well wishes during this emotional and difficult time" 

I was dumbfounded, because ya know, I didn't ACTUALLY cheat on him. He'd misunderstood me completely. 

I got a call later that day from my mom - she was devastated.  How could I do that she asked? I explained, or tried to explain, that I did NOT cheat on him but she cut me off: 

"Kristi, I saw it on facebook. Why would Mark write that if it's NOT true? He would never do that! That's not the Mark we know. Stop hiding the truth from me!" 

I got the feeling she had made up her mind before she even called me. 

So Marks declaration of my indiscretion was shared and the news spread and you can imagine most of our family rallied behind Mark.  I, had after all, completely betrayed him and the sanctity of our marriage.  

Our home became hostile, divided.  I stopped trying to correct him and instead just began to plan for our eminent divorce.  I waited for him to file first.  Since I had NEVER ACTUALLY cheated on him I did not feel that being the first to file for divorce was appropriate. 

So, Mark REACTED by filing for divorce as well as sole custody of our kids.  My infidelity, according to him, had ruined our home, emotionally wrecked our kids and he didn't want them to be raised by someone who would do such horrible things to someone they "loved".  He also sat them down to tell them that they were all moving out.  The kids are devastated but I guess I should have expected some collateral damage...

After about a year I tried one last time to save our marriage.  I came to him and said:

 "babe, I'd really like to explain what I meant last year when I made that comment"

Mark just went to his phone, opened up FB and showed me his post from last year: 

"I just wanted to let our friends and family know that Kristi cheated on me. She admitted this to me by her own words and I've decided to act to protect our kids. I ask for your prayers and well wishes during this emotional and difficult time" 

Ahh, damn you Time Hop! 

He pointed to this post and said:

 "I wrote this post so that you couldn't manipulate me down the road into believing your lies! I get to see, in black and white and with my OWN eyes what YOU DID to us!"

But DID I?

Well fuck. There it goes, my marriage - if only he had waited to REACT he may have seen that I NEVER ACTUALLY CHEATED ON HIM! Oh the good times we could possibly have had...maybe it would have all been okay. 

Maybe not, but I didn't even get a chance to prove him right, his mind was already made up and there was NO CHANGING it. I mean, he read his own words...written in FEAR, but he read his own words and no matter what I did, or what I said, he just re-read his words and reaffirmed that I CHEATED. 

I'm trying to keep politics off of my blog.  BUT it's crazy to me, no matter what your politics, how we read and hear what we WANT to hear! It's no longer just the far left or the far right publishing slanted opinions or "news stories" it seems to be EVERYWHERE! I have lost faith in ALL media - it's ALL become propaganda in my opinion. I scroll through my news feed and there are two stories 180 degrees apart about the same event - it's unbelievable.  I like a good reaction as much as anyone but people are ready to undermine our entire democratic process, bulling the Electoral delegates in hopes they go rogue, SENDING THEM DEATH THREATS and talking about a MAJOR (and not really plausible) amendment to the constitution because they are AFRAID the President Elect MIGHT do something horrible based on what's been WRITTEN about what he SAID.  Do we really want to set a precedent that we can change the outcome of a vote? Based on a belief of what they MAY do? Really? Those are muddy waters no matter what side of the coin you're on.  Can't we all just calm the fuck down for just a minute...just a wee minute and SEE if he ACTUALLY DOES something before we REACT? 

Mitch Album reminded us something that I loved and found wise and comforting: "we didn't elect a king, we voted in a president" - one who was scrutinized by EVERYONE including his own party, that very same party that he needs to ACTUALLY implement policy and law.  Maybe we don't have to throw baby out with the bath water just yet. 

**My husband would like me to remind those that struggle with being literal, that there is not a font for sarcasm or metaphors. We are happily married, I adore him - in fact I kinda wanna grab his ass right now. Just sayin. 

Yoga, Marriage And A Bit Of Insanity

Years ago, BK (before kids) I was a yoga girl.  I went 3-4 times a week to a local hot yoga studio and I put in my 90 minutes with a smile on my face.  I LOVED it!! Something about the hot humid air, the opportunity to run through 26 predicable postures, twice.  I knew what to expect, what was coming around the bend and I had a chance for redemption if I fell out of pose.  Every new day that I walked in I had an immediate measure for my own performance and my own growth based on where I was last time.  Also, my ass looked great! It was everything my 28 year old self wanted in a workout.  Then, their scheduled changed.  The new instructor who taught that time slot was a certifiable yoga bitch! She was rude! She was unfriendly.  She was brash. She was a pretentious yoga snob!

 She routinely called people out for breathing too loudly:

"Lady in the back corner, enough with the drama please! Quiet! You're upsetting the room!"

Haaaave you ever done 90 minutes of hot yoga? Um, that shit is hard! Like really hard! Like your heart is pumping, your body is shaking, your mind in closing in on you and you've only been there 8 minutes hard!

I'd watch, as people looked around the room to see who here was upset by loud breathing (no one) and then I'd shudder in embarrassment for the poor person who was just singled out.

She'd start class early and kick out the people who arrived exactly on time:

"Nope! Sorry! You're late, we've already begun and you need to wait for the next class"

Never mind that they just battled rush hour to get there and already PAID for the class (that had begun early) and still had open room for them.

She called people out for failure:

"Man in the back - if you fall out of tree pose one more time I'm going to ask you to relocate.  Stop the drama, you are a distraction to your neighbor"

No, no he wasn't.

There I was, in my wonky tree pose, trying to get my leg out 90 degrees (breathing really hard and probably loudly) and all I could think is: "I dare you! Say just one word and I'll fucking fight you! Namaste THIS you yoga c**t!" I'd have what I call my Ally McBeal moments, when instead of finding calm inner peace, I'd play out some dramatic confrontation in my mind as I struggled to remain balanced.

I stopped going to class.  I tried to find a new workout but nothing did it for me like hot yoga.  I missed it.  Then one day I had a moment of what seemed like obvious clarity; I realized that I was allowing her to have all the power.  She wasn't going to get fired. She wasn't going to magically become all warm and fuzzy.  She wasn't deeply saddened and remorseful that her rudeness offended me - and she wasn't going to change.  I did not have another studio nearby, so if I wanted to practice hot yoga - THIS was my choice and she WAS my option.  I could fight it, avoid it, OR I could shift my goals - a concept that has come up again, and again in my life since then.  

I could shift.  

That's exactly what I did - instead of trying to master my tree pose, I began to focus on mastering my thoughts.  I worked overtime while in her classroom to tune her out -  on quieting the "white noise" around me and really, truly, focusing on what I was doing  (maybe for the first time ever) and I had to do so without giving a single bother if she singled me out or not.

I spent another year and a half in her class - right up front.  That was 8 years ago.

I've thought of her, and the lesson I learned in her yoga room often since then.  Learning how to tune out the background noise, how to be still with my own thoughts and how to shift my goals or expectations when I'm up against a wall.  I thought of her after my divorce, when everyone had a opinion and a side to choose.  I thought of her when I found myself working for someone I detested and unable to respect.  I thought of her after my "layoff" and again when I found myself pregnant while unemployed and uninsured.  I think of this as I parent when I find there are days and stages I don't enjoy as much as I thought I might.  I remind myself of this when life throws me a curve ball and I am actively thinking of her now, in my marriage, as we both battle it out every damn day because even a great, healthy and committed marriage IS INCREDIBLY HARD YA'LL!!

Where can I bend? Are MY expectations getting in our way? What goal can I shift? Can I approach this from a new angle? When all else fails: How can I learn and grow from this?

I've decided the secret to a happy marriage (and maybe even life) is the understanding that it's fucking hard, and that's normal - so roll with it.

I remind myself every day, in some capacity, that I can fight it, avoid it or I can shift, lean into it and walk away with something positive.  I usually find the most happiness behind door number 3 and yet I continue to ALWAYS open the other two doors first.  Something, something, about the definition of insanity....

So, thank you yoga bitch.  I could not wiggle myself into camel pose for a million dollars anymore, but I (surprisingly) took away something far more valuable from your classroom, and I am grateful everyday for your irritating personality.  Namaste.

My Prayer For My Children

Autors note: The past cannot be changed.  This is not an examination or editorial on mental health but a love note of strength to anyone looking to rebuild. 


“I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”

- Virgina Woolf

I'm a passionate person who feels very deeply and too many times in my life I've experienced unimaginable pain, loss, depression, anger and hurt. There are times I've let it get the best of me, and there are times I've gotten ahead of it.  I've fallen down the rabbit hole and I've stumbled into some dark and lonely corners of my brain that were better left undisturbed.  I've sought help and I'm an enormous advocate for intervention - whether that's medication, therapy or both.  

This week I watched a group of young adults attend a funeral for one of their own.  The pain rippling through our community is crippling.  One day my own children will be grown and they will face pain and loss of their own and I will have to explain things that I'm not even sure I myself understand. I look at those sweet little babies and I know that they too will have their hearts broken and their wills shattered.  They will face disappointment, anxiety and loneliness. They will learn that their lives are nothing but a culmination of their own choices and actions, and that choosing wisely is sometimes left to hindsight. They will face consequences and I will have to find a way to articulate that you just have to somehow, someway, keep going - always, no matter what.  

There are times in life when it is supposed to hurt like hell, when that pain is a natural sign that you are making changes, moving forward after loss, figuring out how to make your life go differently. Life will at some point deal you a hand that will forever shape the way you view the world.  We don’t choose this - it just happens and maybe you'll find comfort in knowing that it happens to everyone, that suffering is not a unique experience.  If you cheat the process by burying that pain, by pretending it didn't change you or by hiding in a distraction you will miss out on the opportunity to be the architect of your own new design. 

Suffering is a guaranteed part of life so prepare yourself my friend because it’s a mother-fucker. The world will be unfair and tragic and ineffable.  Life is messy, relationships are complicated and the human experience can feel exhausting.  But “the earth has its music for those who will listen.” I have screamed out in anger at God and I have felt the still hand of God on my shoulder when I've needed it the most.  If you allow it, if you are patient, life will also show you beauty. It will be kismet, full of goodness, generosity and wonder. You will find humor and kindness and grace. Love will always win.

Some people when faced with life’s tragedies become warriors.  They understand that “fair” is a child’s word and they take ownership of their own journey.  They are proactive in their desire to heal, to learn, and to move forward with a hope and a certainty that propels them though even the darkest times. They sift through the rubble and they rebuild. They find themselves again.  We cannot always see their scars but they’re there, and they are awarded with an inner strength and a wisdom that cannot be purchased, borrowed or stolen.  

You will not always get a choice in what is thrown your way, but for a short time you will get a choice in how you react.  You get to choose how you respond and in turn then how you let it shift you, and what you will take away from it. If you close your eyes and pretend it’s not there, you are no different than a child covering their eyes during a scary movie.  Not wanting to see it does not make it any less real – it’s happening whether you are ready to face it or not.

If you allow the darkness to rule, if you shut out possibility and love and feeling, if you stop fighting when life calls you to step up, you will eventually find that you’ve created a world ruled entirely by what you were running from; pain. There are no answers in darkness, it's just darkness, and it will fuck with your head.  

A word of advice: no one ever wins a battle alone, and to think that you can is naive.  There is no prize at the end of the road for having traveled it alone and there is no trophy for carrying the weight of the world along the way with you.  This does not make you noble or strong it makes you foolish. The strongest and wisest of people know how to ask for help, and when to offer it to others.  

I do not pray at night that my children will never feel pain.  I pray that I will be capable of teaching them how to cope, how to ask for help, how to offer help to others and how to reconcile events that have no answers, only infinite questions.  I pray that when life deals them their own shit deck that we will have given them the tools that they need to pick up and begin again. I pray that they never stop rebuilding.